| Don't you know? Talkin' 'bout a revolution sounds like a | | | | the customer's anger that really received the blow. His |
| whisper? --Traci Chapman, "Talkin' Bout a Revolution" | | | | response was a surprisingly relaxed, "Thank you," as if |
| A world-mover passed away last week. A | | | | he were genuinely refreshed by this radically different |
| world-mover who refused to move. | | | | response. After a pause, the angry customer then |
| Like most of us, Rosa Parks did not see herself as a | | | | congratulated the teller on how he handled the |
| revolutionary. Yes, she was involved in the local | | | | situation. The teller reported that now, every time he |
| chapter of the N.A.A.C.P. in 1955, and thus she was | | | | comes through, the guy gives him a smile and a |
| involved in the civil rights movement. But she was | | | | thumbs-up signal through the drive-up window. |
| primarily a wife and a seamstress, living in the | | | | Now, I know that sounds somewhat fantastical, like it |
| segregated society of 1950s Montgomery, Alabama. | | | | couldn't be real. If you were to confront someone like |
| And one day she decided to do something different. | | | | that, then you'd never get that type or response, right? |
| Making the changes we want in our lives, in our | | | | Or maybe you're like me, thinking that if I knew I would |
| relationships, always begins by simply doing something | | | | get that response, then confrontation would be a lot |
| different. This reflects an awareness that all behavior | | | | easier. That's what's behind our fascination with |
| comes couched in a pattern. That's why you can | | | | relationship techniques-give me something to do that |
| predict what your son is going to do at bedtime. Or | | | | will guarantee a different response from my kids! From |
| what your daughter is going to say when you tell her | | | | my spouse! From my colleague! |
| what to do. These are patterns, and just as much as | | | | The most important part, however, and the link |
| you can pinpoint their parts in the pattern, they can | | | | between this teller and Rosa Parks, is that neither one |
| pinpoint yours. | | | | of them had any idea what would happen next. They |
| The only way to change the pattern is to learn to | | | | just knew what they had to do. Something different. |
| pinpoint your own part in it. And then do something | | | | Every revolution, no matter how small or large, always |
| different. That's what Rosa Parks did. | | | | begins with one sentence. Every significant change to |
| In December of 1955, this humble seamstress left her | | | | a system, whether it be a family, office, government, |
| job and went to the bus stop. It was time to go home, | | | | or society, always begins with the same |
| and she was tired. When the bus stopped to pick her | | | | communicated message: |
| up, she did as she always had, entering the front door, | | | | I don't know what you're going to do, but this is what |
| paying the bus fare, then going back out and | | | | I'm going to do. |
| reentering through the back door, the "colored" | | | | Revolutions don't start with loud, bold proclamations. |
| entrance. She then proceeded to take a seat on the | | | | Life-altering changes do not begin with gangs of |
| fifth row of the bus, which was the first row of the | | | | people all acting as one. They begin with quiet |
| "colored" section. Then the bus left. | | | | statements, quiet actions of singular fortitude. They |
| And it started to fill up. Before nearing Mrs. Parks' final | | | | begin with a singular individual with a resounding resolve |
| destination, the bus was completely full. That meant | | | | to change herself, whatever the outcome. |
| her fifth row was filled, two African-Americans on the | | | | Rosa Parks did not intend to be a hero. She just did |
| right side, and two across the aisle on the left. Then, at | | | | not want to give up her seat. And she absolutely |
| the next stop, a white man entered through the front | | | | would not budge. Mrs. Parks would later say that she |
| door. There were no seats available on the first four | | | | felt "determination fall over her like a blanket." She |
| rows (they were all taken up by white people), so the | | | | made no loud protests, she issued no bold demands. |
| man, as was customary, went to sit on the fifth row. | | | | She didn't even make a face or frown. She did not |
| Now the segregation law stated that black people | | | | ask anyone else to change for her sake, she simply |
| were forbidden to: a) sit in the white section; b) share a | | | | refused to move. |
| seat in the black section with a white person, and c) sit | | | | And when the bus driver then informed her that he |
| across the aisle from a white person. This meant that | | | | would have her arrested, here was her response: |
| when the white man moved to sit on the full fifth row, | | | | "Then you may go ahead and do so." |
| all four black people, by law, had to get up and stand in | | | | And the rest is glorious history. Her trial and conviction |
| the back of the bus. | | | | led a 26-year-old minister initialed MLK to organize a |
| Well, three of them did. One, calmly, did not. | | | | 381-day bus boycott, nearly crippling the local |
| One of the thrills of my job is getting to hear about | | | | transportation industry, yet clearly creating a national |
| ordinary people making extraordinary decisions. I heard | | | | civil rights movement. A true revolution. |
| a bank teller yesterday, reporting about an incident with | | | | In my book, ScreamFree Parenting, I make a promise |
| a repeatedly angry drive-up customer. After another | | | | that you can, indeed, start a revolution in your home. I |
| heated exchange, and a windblown mishandling of | | | | hesitate sometimes to use that language because I |
| papers, the angry customer sternly corrected the teller. | | | | would never want to cheapen the memory and |
| He punctuated his remarks by calling the teller a | | | | inspiration of true revolutionaries like Rosa Parks. |
| "dimwit" as he sped away. | | | | But what we're talking about for all of us is bringing to |
| While most of us might take this personally, think about | | | | an end the destructive patterns that fill families for |
| it continually, or even let it control us altogether, this | | | | generations and generations. What we're talking about |
| teller did something different. He decided to rise above | | | | here is creating patterns of influence and intimacy that |
| the fray of the incident and act not out of his anxious | | | | can transcend the reactionary dialogues and |
| reactivity, but out of his calm integrity. The next time | | | | messages that fill our airwaves (and brainwaves). |
| the teller saw the angry customer, he went straight to | | | | What we're talking about is learning to create the |
| him, saying "I want you to know I forgive you for calling | | | | relationships we've always craved, by simply learning |
| me a name last time we spoke, and I hope things get | | | | to focus on ourselves. |
| better for you." | | | | And do something different. |
| While obviously taken aback by the comment, it was | | | | |