Rip-Tail Roarers - Clever Sayings and Brags

"Life is short and full of blisters," sighed the elderlyaround the courthouse -- came down to the levee to
southern gentlemen as we exchanged confidenceswatch the goings on.Dad always took along a plug of
about our various problems.That seemed to sum upchewing tobacco to pass around and loosen the
our mutual outlook on the vagaries of humantongues of the old-timers. It didn't take much. I got to
existence, so we shook hands and went our separatekeep the little, tin, brand tags on the plugs - such as "Tin
ways.That succinct sentence has returned to memoryStar," "Red Coon," and "Bull of the Woods." They were
often since I first heard it several years ago - partlyprized collectibles."You boys remember any of the old
because of its homey philosophy, but mostly becausebrags?" Dad would say, as he stuffed in a chaw of
it is a draught of cool water to this writer who hasterbakker. Then I snapped to attention. One brag I
wandered long in a language desert searching forremember went something like this:"I'm half horse, half
oasises.I have come to realize that the colorfulalligator, with a little touch of snapping turtle, clumb a
language of my youth in the South has nearlystreak of lightning, slid down a locust tree a hundred
disappeared from the American scene. We speak infeet high, with a wildcat under each arm, and never
precise phrases, short sentences, business-likegot a scratch. Whoopee-yip-ho!"I come to this country
declarations. Efficient, but drab.When I was growing upriding a catamount, whipping him over the head with a
"down home" it was common for folks to sprinkle theirforty-five and picking my teeth with a rattlesnake, using
conversation with colloquialisms. "Shoveling smoke," ora cactus for a piller. Whe-e-e! I'm a two-gun cuss and
"Money thinks I'm dead," or "A day late, and a dollara very bad man, and it won't do to monkey with me.
short," or "If they put your brains in a jaybird, it'd flyWhoopee! "I was raised in the backwoods, suckled by
backwards."What we need are more inventive talkersa grizzly bear, got nine rows of jaw teeth and holes
- like my Uncle Hooky Brown. He appreciated the finepunched for more, a double coat of hair, steel ribs,
points of discourse.Hooky dearly loved clerking in theboiler tube intestines, a barbed wire tail, and I don't give
general store at Bradford, Tennessee. He built up a biga damn where I drag it. Whoopee-wee-a-ha!"* *
trade because he was the best entertainment that*Frontiersmen took great pride in their personal yells, or
side of the Mississippi.At the conclusion of each sale,brags, elaborating on them through the years.
while sacking items purchased, he rattled off - in oneGenerally they were given preliminary to good-natured
breath -- a long list of improbable commodities the"tussling" or roughhousing.Brags also were a way of
customer might have forgotten to order. It was aannouncing their presence at a strange saloon where
symphony of dialog in a minute waltz:"Thank you kindly,they wanted to make friends quickly. A creative brag
Miz Boone, and will there be anything elseusually was rewarded with a free beer.A bar room
ckeyedpeasprunessealingwaxsally went something like this:"Hey, look at me! I'm the
shfurniturepolishsilverpolishgenuine article, a real double-acting engine. I'm a hard
intstickcheeseclothneedlescustomer that can lick any man here. If you don't
flowerseedssidemeatbuckshot or button hooks?" Thebelieve it, step up and try me. I can out-run, out-jump,
spiel varied - depending on the customer's sense ofout-swim, chaw more tabaccy and spit less, drink
humor. It was fun to try and figure out what he wasmore whiskey and keep soberer, than any man in
trying to get you to buy. You figure it out.Once inthese localities. Come out some of you and die
awhile he would get caught by his tomfoolery. A slydecently, for I'm spieling fer a fight."* * *The best
customer would reply, "Why, yes, now that youroarers were river men who drifted up and down the
mention it. I'll have a dozen corset stays.""Yes, Mam,"Mississippi without calling any place home until they got
Hooky would say without hesitation. "We're fresh outtoo old to haul a hawser. Once I heard this magnificent
just this morning. I'll have a box of them for youboast at the Caruthersville levee:"Yah-hoo! I'm the old
tomorrow. Would you care to make a ten-dollaroriginal iron-jawed, brass-mounted, copper-bellied
deposit?"* * *Salty talkers in the olden days aboundedcorpse-maker from the wilds of Arkansaw. They call
everywhere. Hey-day of "rip-tail roarers" had nearlybe Sudden Death and General Desolation. "Sired by a
vanished in my childhood as regular fare. Nonetheless,hurricane. Damn'd by an earthquake. Half-brother to
we kids in small, southern towns could still coaxthe cholera. Nearly related to the small pox on my
old-timers to recite the brags and yells they learned asmother's side. "Look at me! I take nineteen alligators
young ranch hands, lumberjacks or riverboatand a bar'l of whiskey for breakfast when I'm in robust
stevedores.Roars once were the fashion amonghealth, and a bushel of rattlesnakes and a dead body
rough, hardworking men. They made a dent in mywhen I'm ailing. I split the everlasting rocks with my
youthful memory.When I was nine, at Caruthersville,glance, and I squench the thunder when I speak.
Missouri, my father would take me to the levee at theWhoo-op!"Stand back and give me room according to
foot of Main Street to watch the Mississippi cottonmy strength. Blood's my natural drink, and the wails of
boats tie up for cotton bales.When there was loading,the dying is music to my ears. Cast your eyes on me,
the good old boys -- who usually whiled away the timegentlemen.