| If you're ever going to be honest with yourself about | | | | would have changed things around? |
| anything, then this is the time to start. Why do you | | | | And if you were partially responsible for your partner |
| want your ex back, why did you break up in the first | | | | cheating on you (such as by not being able to give |
| place, and the hardest of all, were you to blame, even | | | | them the love and attention they need, not you), then |
| partly, for the relationship falling to pieces. | | | | why aren't you taking you taking your share of the |
| Of all of these, I think I'll answer the last question for | | | | responsibility for it? Why are you putting all the blame |
| you; and the answer I would have to give you would | | | | on your partner for straying? |
| be, yes, you were partly responsible for the breakup | | | | If you can take the responsibility in the over the first |
| of your relationship. | | | | case, where you had no part in it, why won't you take |
| Remember that it takes both people to make the | | | | the responsibility in the second case? |
| relationship work, not two people. "Two people" implies | | | | And remember that although both parties are |
| that you can work independent of each other to make | | | | responsible for making the relationship work, each |
| it work, when this is simply not true. | | | | person can only be held responsible for themselves. |
| A relationship won't survive the rigors of being in the | | | | So although you might want shoulder some of the |
| world and weathering the years if both people involved | | | | burden for your relationship not working, you cannot |
| don't make a concentrated effort. | | | | shoulder the blame for your partner wanting vastly |
| It doesn't even matter if each of you is doing | | | | different things than you do, such as needing more |
| something in your own way to contribute to the | | | | than one person to be involved with. |
| relationship. Unless and until you both learn to row in | | | | It's a complicated problem this thing about being honest |
| the same direction, you might find yourselves at cross | | | | with yourself and taking on your fair share of |
| purposes. | | | | responsibility. |
| So yes, you were also responsible for your breakup | | | | If you take on too little and place all the blame for the |
| even if you weren't the one to actually put it into so | | | | relationship being in tatters at your partner's door, then |
| many words. | | | | you are essentially absolving yourself of being in the |
| And this is where it becomes hard for you to be | | | | relationship at all. |
| honest with yourself. Most of us would prefer to | | | | If on the other hand, you try to take all the world's |
| spend our lives with our head in the sand ignoring | | | | cares onto your shoulders and blame yourself for the |
| those things which distress us the most, and which will | | | | things that your partner does, because it is in their |
| cause us pain, especially when we know that we are | | | | nature then you are claiming to have more power than |
| part of the problem. | | | | you really do, because no one can be responsible for |
| This means that most of us would also prefer not to | | | | the actions of another person. |
| have to accept responsibility for our actions, because | | | | And this very thin line of right and wrong, of taking |
| when all is said and done, it just hurts so much, and do | | | | responsibility where it is appropriate and discarding it |
| we really want to face up to the fact that we might | | | | where it isn't, is where we all tend to mess up and go |
| be partly responsible for our own pain? | | | | to extremes. It happens to all of us. We just don't |
| The truth of the matter is, that by ignoring this | | | | realize it. |
| responsibility that we have toward our selves, we are | | | | And the reason why this happens, is mainly because |
| leaving ourselves open to more and more heartache. | | | | we are too close to the situation to see what is right in |
| And the reason for this lies in our un-acceptance of | | | | front of our faces. |
| our own fallibility, or our own faults and wrongs. | | | | We can't see that we are partly responsible for driving |
| You might not be the entire reason that your | | | | our love away when we start taking things for |
| relationship went south, but you sure contributed, | | | | granted; and we can't see that we are in no way |
| because if you didn't, what does that say about how | | | | responsible for our partner not wanting to be in an |
| much attention you were paying to your relationship? | | | | extended relationship right now. |
| What does that say about how much effort you were | | | | This is simply his/ her genetic makeup, and is part of |
| putting into your relationship? | | | | their needs at the moment. Things might change with |
| Are you going to think to yourself, "Oh, he [she] left me | | | | time, but there's nothing that you can do to change |
| because they weren't the right person for me/ | | | | things. It's as simple, and as difficult, as that. |
| because they were having an affair/ because they | | | | You need to be honest with yourself from the get go |
| were just not interested in making this relationship | | | | itself about what exactly went wrong, and what part if |
| work." | | | | any you had in the breakup. |
| The unfortunate truth is that these are the lines that | | | | If we take things a step further, and go with our earlier |
| we so willingly feed ourselves time and again, when | | | | example, the salve to your wounds of the line, "(the |
| something goes wrong or when we fail in our | | | | relationship didn't work).because they were just not |
| relationships. It's the easiest way out of a bad situation | | | | interested in making it work" goes two ways. |
| and we take it without even thinking what it will do to | | | | In one instance, if this is really the case, if the other |
| us. | | | | party wanted something completely different from this |
| For one thing, if we take the three most common | | | | relationship than you did, what makes you take on the |
| examples of our fooling ourselves, "they left because | | | | responsibility for their walking away from you? |
| they weren't the right person for me" is not a reason, | | | | On the other hand, if they wanted something different |
| because if this was the case, then you wouldn't be | | | | why are you trying to paint them as the bad person? |
| going through so much pain and suffering would you? | | | | Because they left you to pursue their own goals? Is |
| It doesn't matter if the person was wrong for you in a | | | | this such a bad thing when you come to think of it? |
| social aspect, because when you got together with | | | | Why are you still obsessing about it when you know |
| that person, you felt them to be the right one for you. | | | | that you cannot change facts? |
| Differences might have driven you apart, but the | | | | This is your responsibility and your problem to change, |
| apathetic "...not the right person for me" absolves you | | | | your inability to take your own life under control even |
| of any responsibility in the relationship. | | | | when things are not your fault. |
| If your partner was having an affair, then you need to | | | | And if you can't be honest with anyone else about |
| ask yourself why? Why did it happen, and why does it | | | | your relationship, then at least try to be honest with |
| bother you so much? I realize that the last question | | | | yourself. |
| probably scandalized many of you reading this, but it is | | | | In this way, by being honest with yourself right from |
| the plain unvarnished truth. | | | | the outset, you might even be able to figure out where |
| If you did nothing to encourage or incite your partner to | | | | things went wrong, and if you were partly responsible |
| have an affair in the first place, if it is in that person's | | | | for things going to the dogs, then you can at least look |
| nature to need more than one person at a time, why | | | | to fix things so that next time the same thing won't |
| are you beating yourself up over it? | | | | happen again. |
| Was there anything that you could have done which | | | | |